Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Am Not Mine (*warning* this one's preachy! but I'm preaching to me...)

I am not mine.  You are not yours.  We are not ours.

We are stewards of these temporary bodies and our preciously transient lives. When I don't take care of my body, I'm abusing something that is not even my own.  When I don't use my time well (or guide my children to use their time well), it's not really my time I'm wasting.

According to my dad, my Grandpa used to say, "Always return something you borrow in better condition than it was when you borrowed it."  This says a few things.  One, return the things you borrow.  Two, take care of those things.  Three, (... I can't think of the three that I thought of in bed just a minute ago.  We'll go with two.)  (anyway...)  Our lives are a giant, flesh-wrapped gift from God.  We are beautifully and wonderfully made, yes, but we are also temporary beings with eternal souls.  We're giving these bodies back when we're "done."  In the meantime, while we have them, we need to work at maintaining and - yes - bettering ourselves while we're here. Is this a faulty analogy?  yes.  But it helps me remember that I need to take better care of myself and of my children.  When I let my kids watch tv all afternoon while I read novels and blogs and magazines, what - really - am I doing?  What am I doing?  WHAT HAVE I DONE? I should be screaming and crying at the missed moments of the day! (and I am - which is why I'm up writing at 1am instead of sleeping).  I need to be nurturing them daily in so many areas!  and I need to be nurturing me, too.

It's so easy for me to get off track, even after a good, healthful, CONSCIOUS morning.  I make tiny choices that send the rest of the day in to a spiral.  And each day is precious! Every moment is packed with potential! I need to be helping my kids grow! literally, spiritually, intellectually (how many different ways did I misspell that word? 4. fyi.), fun-ally.

They need to be learning that exercise is good!  not all adults sit at the computer all day staring at the screen.  They need to be learning about Jesus and how much He loves them.  I should be preparing them for the non-bunny-ness of Easter, somehow explaining how much they are loved so they know FOREVER.  They need to be learning stuff like the alphabet and how to count potatoes.  They need to be learning how to play together as siblings and how to play on their own!  Granted, they have learned a LOT of great stuff from Curious George.  Love that guy.  But there is a point where I need to step in and say "Enough with the PBSKids already!  Let's interact and learn and play and grow!"  and I need it, I'm sorry to say, as much or more than they do right now.

Seriously.  It only takes one second to rocket myself down the blog bunny trail.  I can spend hours reading about other people's lives.  And this has been inspirational and fun and in small doses, it is a marvelous thing.  (Obviously, I think that or I wouldn't be writing this right now.)  Worse, I'll let myself sit and watch a show on my computer while my kids are watching tv - just because I'm lazy!  slip, slip, slip back in to the mire.  My brain starts hurting.  I get grumpy, then the evening doesn't go well for anyone. Then I wake up at 1a.m. hating myself for being destructive.

This isn't a new phenomenon.  I've been letting my mental, physical and spiritual wheels spin for YEARS in the mire and muck. I do catch a little traction every now and then, but never quite pull out of the mud.  I'm still stuck in something and I can FEEL it.  My bestest roommate Daniela wrote me a great letter about 8 years ago that very kindly but firmly pointed this out to me, and sadly enough, every word still applied when I found it a few weeks ago in my files.  I've gone nowhere, spiritually, in 8 years.  My life is full, wonderful, blessed, beautiful, and still I sit in this proverbial mud.  I'm not taking care of the Me I've been given at all.  I flail at it, but never STRIVE.

That's what my goal really is with this new blog - to plot and activate this striving.  I am layin' my cards on the table.  I want to be a better Child.  I haven't been paying attention to my blessings!  I've taken them, grinning with joy like a 3 year old, then tossing them aside and two minutes later wondering why I don't have any toys.  I've been given so much.  So many beautiful things, thoughts, talents, friendships, relationships, babies.  I need to wrap them in my arms and celebrate the gifts AND the Giver and enjoy all of this while I have it.  and spread it all around for others to enjoy.  Because it is temporary.  Were living on borrowed time.  Let's use this borrowed time wisely, happily, gratefully.  ~ v

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